I am a gay man in New Delhi and even though homosexuality has been decriminalised in India, society still hasn't accepted it. I am still very much in the closet -- but does it count if I've told my parents?
That happened last year when after months of getting pressured into marrying, I blurted out the truth. They still don't understand though and think I'm going through some phase. They are worried about me -- who will look after me after they die. I am in my 30s. But I will never marry -- at least not a girl anyway.
I realise many gay men do get married to women and lead "normal" lives. But then it would be unfair of me to spoil some woman's life, especially when I am not turned on by her private parts. Sex is after all an important aspect of marriage.
It's not as if I am confused about my sexuality. I get turned on only by men, both naked or otherwise. I have a huge crush on Craig Bierko, a little known American actor who's best known for turning down the role of Chandler Bing in the popular sitcom "Friends".
I even had a relationship with a friend once (it seems ages ago though). I loved him, he didn't -- he was just in it for the sexual stimulation. When I started whispering things like 'I love you', he got scared and said his parents would never agree. Now he avoids me and my phone calls.
He's a lost cause now and I know I can never get him back. But though I have a great job and am happy otherwise, I do worry about dying alone. What will happen when my parents are dead and gone. I don't know any other gay men (or at least can't make them out) and even if I do date someone eventually, what if he blackmails me? How can I trust someone? What should I do?
I'll keep blogging here, hoping to pour out my thoughts without being punished for it. Do feel free to comment -- be it positive or negative. I need your support. I am all for the gay cause but I am not an activist. I am no freedom fighter. My family will be socially ostracised if I come out of the closet. More than myself, I am worried what effect this will have on my parents. All I need is the confidence to live life on my own terms, be it anonymously as a bachelor in New Delhi. And interact with you through this blog.
go out and make friends, i mean gay friends, also you have to take risks, you cannot always worry about being blackmailed there is always a chance you might but if you are always being scared then the life is passing by and one day you will be 50-60 thinking i wish i had taken some risks.
ReplyDelete@facelook I know that's the right thing to do but am not yet ready. Before that, I need to tell my friends -- I may lose some but there will be some who aren't homophobic and will accept me for who I am. What about you? Are you gay? And if yes, are you out of the closet?
ReplyDeleteCome to US. discover yourself. What is a challenge for you might be an opportunity as well. You can open the doors for next generation homosexual kids in your family.
ReplyDeleteI know this is weird and this comment is not about your blog, instead about something else.
ReplyDeleteI am a student at University of Delhi, and we wish to interview a homosexual as the theme of our interview is "Surviving as a Homosexual in Indian Society". The interview will not be use for commercial purposes at all. Please let me know how to contact you, and also the interview is on 9th April (I know it is a very short notice, but please HELP!!!)
P.S. Nicely written blog. (y)
Well, in my country, same story. But making good friends are very good idea.Don't be afraid of things get spilled. You lose something but also you gain real friends too. I'm new in Delhi. So I don't know much of the society.But hopefully making some good friends are good and I want that too. I'm cheering you and keep go on.
ReplyDeleteThere is one of my favorite Korean soap opera call "My name is Kim Samsoon" and she said "Keep love like you've never been apart."
Let's keep on loving.