MTV Roadies does its bit for the gay community

Kudos to MTV Roadies India for the decision to broadcast audition footage where an anonymous gay guy inadvertently comes out of the closet. The three Roadies musketeers (Raghu, Rajiv and Rannvijay on the interview panel) were sensitive enough to protect the youth's identity and bolster his confidence by declaring there was nothing wrong in being homosexual. Given the show is highly popular among students and youth, this could help dispel myths about homosexuality and help gays in India (including yours truly) live our lives with dignity.

Click here for video of the audition

Am yet to summon up my gay pride

As I walked past the Benetton store in Connaught Place at 11 p.m., two men sauntered down the street hand in hand, their effeminate gestures inviting stares from passers-by who swerved to avoid them. Both men were flamboyantly dressed in tight T-shirts and their unabashed laughter pierced the stillness of the night. As I overtook them, I heard snatches of the conversation in Hindi.

... look how dirty my skin has become. Can you believe I just got a facial today?

And with that, one of the men burst into song -- some raunchy Bollywood number that I did not recognise. And the other man giggled in amusement.

It was at that very moment that it hit me.

These men were gay in an such obvious sort of way that people even moved away, hoping to avoid an embarrassing situation. The two men didn't seem to care, perhaps they hadn't even noticed. They were happy being themselves.

I am gay too, but still in the closet, managing so far to blend in with the 'normal' heterosexual crowd and avoiding social censure. But I am the abnormal one here, hiding behind an anonymous blog page, deftly changing the subject when curious relatives ask me why I am 30+ and unmarried, flustered when office colleagues wonder why I had never seen or heard of porn star Sunny Leone before her 'Bigg Boss' stint.

These two men were living, I was merely existing. They had gay pride, I am yet to summon it. Coming out in society and being myself is hard and I need more time. And when it does happen, I just hope it's not too late.

'My child is gay'

A fascinating CNN-IBN documentary on 'My child is gay'. Watch here 

Gaydar, Karan Johar and the dating game

Some studies say one in every 10 men is homosexual. I don't believe it. Even if it was true, that means people can hide their sexuality very well.Or maybe my gaydar is all wired wrong. I can never make out when people are gay. Never in a million years would I have guessed Rock Hudson was gay. There I go again, falling into the trap of judging people by how masculine or feminine they seem, trying to read too much into their gestures and speech patterns. After all, I'm gay and none of my friends have any idea.

Sometimes, I wish my gaydar did work. It would be so much easier to walk into a crowd, mentally labelling the people I meet -- 'gay' and 'not gay' -- zeroing in without any trouble on a person I would like to date. Unfortunately, I usually end up lusting after someone who does seem my type, shares my interests and would be my perfect soulmate -- except that he wants to have sex with a girl.

They say Karan Johar is gay. Well, he may well be. Or maybe he's just an effeminate man who had a crush on a beautiful girl, was spurned and never got married. On the Simi Garewal show, Johar said he didn't want to react to rumours of his homosexuality. I do sympathise with him, it's harder to be a celebrity with such whispers floating about than to be me, living my life anonymously posing as a heterosexual bachelor who still hasn't met the right partner.

That said, I wouldn't mind dating Johar. He's cute, intelligent, creative, articulate and funny. If he was gay, I wouldn't mind going for a cup of coffee with him. The thought cheers me up. I've been feeling unusually low this past week. Talk to me.

Living life as a gay man -- anonymously

I am a gay man in New Delhi and even though homosexuality has been decriminalised in India, society still hasn't accepted it. I am still very much in the closet -- but does it count if I've told my parents?

That happened last year when after months of getting pressured into marrying, I blurted out the truth. They still don't understand though and think I'm going through some phase. They are worried about me -- who will look after me after they die. I am in my 30s. But I will never marry -- at least not a girl anyway.

I realise many gay men do get married to women and lead "normal" lives. But then it would be unfair of me to spoil some woman's life, especially when I am not turned on by her private parts. Sex is after all an important aspect of marriage.

It's not as if I am confused about my sexuality. I get turned on only by men, both naked or otherwise. I have a huge crush on Craig Bierko, a little known American actor who's best known for turning down the role of Chandler Bing in the popular sitcom "Friends".

I even had a relationship with a friend once (it seems ages ago though). I loved him, he didn't -- he was just in it for the sexual stimulation. When I started whispering things like 'I love you', he got scared and said his parents would never agree. Now he avoids me and my phone calls.

He's a lost cause now and I know I can never get him back. But though I have a great job and am happy otherwise, I do worry about dying alone. What will happen when my parents are dead and gone. I don't know any other gay men (or at least can't make them out) and even if I do date someone eventually, what if he blackmails me? How can I trust someone? What should I do?

I'll keep blogging here, hoping to pour out my thoughts without being punished for it. Do feel free to comment -- be it positive or negative. I need your support. I am all for the gay cause but I am not an activist. I am no freedom fighter. My family will be socially ostracised if I come out of the closet. More than myself, I am worried what effect this will have on my parents. All I need is the confidence to live life on my own terms, be it anonymously as a bachelor in New Delhi. And interact with you through this blog.