I am a gay man in New Delhi and even though homosexuality has been decriminalised in India, society still hasn't accepted it. I am still very much in the closet -- but does it count if I've told my parents?
That happened last year when after months of getting pressured into marrying, I blurted out the truth. They still don't understand though and think I'm going through some phase. They are worried about me -- who will look after me after they die. I am in my 30s. But I will never marry -- at least not a girl anyway.
I realise many gay men do get married to women and lead "normal" lives. But then it would be unfair of me to spoil some woman's life, especially when I am not turned on by her private parts. Sex is after all an important aspect of marriage.
It's not as if I am confused about my sexuality. I get turned on only by men, both naked or otherwise. I have a huge crush on Craig Bierko, a little known American actor who's best known for turning down the role of Chandler Bing in the popular sitcom "Friends".
I even had a relationship with a friend once (it seems ages ago though). I loved him, he didn't -- he was just in it for the sexual stimulation. When I started whispering things like 'I love you', he got scared and said his parents would never agree. Now he avoids me and my phone calls.
He's a lost cause now and I know I can never get him back. But though I have a great job and am happy otherwise, I do worry about dying alone. What will happen when my parents are dead and gone. I don't know any other gay men (or at least can't make them out) and even if I do date someone eventually, what if he blackmails me? How can I trust someone? What should I do?
I'll keep blogging here, hoping to pour out my thoughts without being punished for it. Do feel free to comment -- be it positive or negative. I need your support. I am all for the gay cause but I am not an activist. I am no freedom fighter. My family will be socially ostracised if I come out of the closet. More than myself, I am worried what effect this will have on my parents. All I need is the confidence to live life on my own terms, be it anonymously as a bachelor in New Delhi. And interact with you through this blog.
